Dear Depression,
I have known you for some time now but I don’t remember exactly how or when we were introduced. My dislike for you has grown steadily over the years, I never want to look you directly in the eye. You decided to start visiting me occasionally and then making yourself more comfortable in my house. I do remember how much you made me doubt myself after a severe epileptic attack four years ago that left me with chronic nerve pain, is that when you snuck into my house and hid?
I tried to deal with you by myself for nearly two years or more, reassuring myself that I had ridden you from my house. Unknown to me, you still had a spare key. I changed the locks several times but you insisted on coming and going as you wanted. How did you do that?
The times that you were not in my house were the times I felt like I could breathe, the old Tijjani was back. When you stay away I am my go getting, smiling and positive self. You really do bring out the worst in me. Why can’t you just disappear forever?
Sometimes I think I have it wrong and maybe you just lay in hiding and don’t actually ever leave. Lurking in the shadows and then suddenly appearing much more menacing than before. When I was in great physical pain or had an epileptic attack you made your presence clear. Every room in my house had traces of you, I couldn’t avoid or run from you.
You were my secret, my uninvited and aggressive squatter. You taught me to keep you a secret, whispered how to perfect a fake smile and pretend everything was ok. Why do you like keeping so many secrets?
I pushed away the people I loved by letting you move more of your unwanted items into my house, leaving no space for me. Trapped in my own home. You did your own decoration and painted the walls with hostility. You cut off my electricity so we would always sit in the dark. You did your job and made it hard or impossible for anyone else to visit. Did you care that I didn’t want to be around you?
I don’t want you to enter my house again. The damage that you leave behind is never worth it. I only ever feel a twinge of sorrow thinking about the times you’ve ruined my house and frightened away other guests. It’s worse thinking what would happen if you returned and never left. Why must you be so destructive?
I am fed up of you and your antics so I decided to fortify my fortress, change my windows, change the doors and locks. I had to take that step and let my family in. I couldn’t rid myself of you entirely on my own. I know I have to keep my house active and full of love. A full occupancy so you will know you’re not invited. I’ll keep my house clean, roll up my sleeves and work away the stains you left behind. I’ll lean on my friends and family to keep you away. The more we work together the more you fade away. Will my loved ones know how much I appreciate them?
You are sneaky I know and may someday find another way in, but you have been evicted. Knock on my door and I’ll be ready for you. You will not define me, it’s not in my nature. It is my house, I have paid off the mortgage and your tenancy has been revoked.
Kind Regards,
Lawrence Tijjani AKA Just A Guy.
