The last two weeks have been s**t, that’s the best way sum it up. If you have been following my blog you will know that I suffer with epilepsy and a host of additional problems (chronic pain).
In the last week I have been in out of hospital non-stop, spending a couple of days in at a time. My medication was changed twice to try and regulate my neural activity. They can’t seem to really work out why I am having so many attacks and they hope that increasing my meds will help. When they change my medication dosage I’m irritable and ultimately more susceptible to having attacks, which I did have.
The doctors also told me that my kidney functioning has declined due to the high levels of Naproxen (another medication to help with pain) that I had been taking for the past three years. They all seemed shocked I was still on it and so decided to stop me immediately from taking it. So, more pain, more withdrawal symptoms and then my kidneys due to being inflamed became another issue.
I have found this week so hard. I have shut myself off from the world and just imploded deeper into myself. I have felt both sad and angry. Angry at the world. It just cannot be fair that one person has so much to adjust to.
I normally always try to look at the positives but it was incredibly hard, consistently having attacks, not being able to sleep and the constant pain. I thought back to three years ago, being hospitalised, confused and angry. I think this time around feels even worse than then. Then and now I suppose writing is easier than talking.
I watched something online yesterday it was a video of Stormzy performing at Westfields and for some reason the tune touched me. I can’t put into words why, maybe it was something I didn’t expect from Stormzy and this reminds me that the you should never judge a book by it’s cover and you never truly know whats going on in someone’s life.
Whenever we go through hardship in life, whenever things go wrong and we feel like we are being punished for something; people will tell you give it time and you need to be positive. It’s very hard to, but I know I need to bounce back. I am not saying for a moment it’s going to easy, but I am fighter.
Our mind works just like your body, you have to train it consistently and feed it with the right nourishment, otherwise you can’t expect it to become stronger. But instead of lifting weights (I love the gym) it’s about using your mind to reflect on your life and make yourself aware of your reality and your decisions. Instead of eating the right food you have to filter the thoughts you receive, the energy you let through to your subconscious mind. This is my aim for this week ahead and for the rest of my life.