It’s been a while since my last blog, It’s been a tough six weeks. I also didn’t have the words to describe them. I am going to try my best to do so from 35,000 ft in the sky.
The first week started off with me visiting the hospital and finding out my condition had become worse, it was hard to take in. You think I would be used to hearing bad news but when the neurologist was explaining i just zoned out and thought fuck! At the end she asked me if I understood, I replied no; “why is this happening to me?!” I don’t really want to go into details of how it has got worse but what I will say is; I am not dying however, the quality of my life will decrease.
Right off to the next appointment, I thought I was being efficient by booking my appointments on the same day, big mistake. I went to my orthopaedic surgeon to see if they could shed any light on my chronic knee pain. He wasn’t able to do so but discovered another problem, he informed me that I am also suffering from something called a degenerative joint disease. My reaction was; ok, what else can you hit me with? So, on black Monday I discovered that my epilepsy has caused some damage, i was told there is a high percentage I could have another issue and I have a degenerative joint disease! What a fucking day!
The journey home from hospital seemed to take forever. While waiting for the train at London bridge all noise disappeared and I felt so alone.When I left hospital I felt so numb, I didn’t tell anyone for a few days because I couldn’t process it. It was just a shame as I was starting to feel like old Lawrence and feeling really positive about recovery.
Fast forward a couple of weeks and I had a full epileptic attack. I fell down one flight of stairs. I don’t really remember the attack but this is what I’ve been told. The paramedics came to check me other and I appeared fine, I was able to walk out to the ambulance. I went to hopistal to be on the safe side as I banged my head. I had a further two attacks in the hospital and the chronic knee pain returned, they decided to admit me. I ended up staying in hospital for a week; where they almost killed me with an overdose of morphine. On top of this I felt highly fustrated as I had already received bad news as mentioned earlier.
With everything that had happened in this short amount of time s well as everything else i have been through this year i genuinely thought, how much can a guy take and so I became quite withdrawn from the world. There is only so long you can keep that smile on when inside you are struggling with things.
You feel sorry for yourself for bit but unlitmtely you have two choices, give up or keep going. I chose the latter, I am not saying I have come to terms with the news but I have to accept that I am not going to be the same but I have to adapt. No matter how long I have on this earth I am determined to do something big and create a legacy.