Tag: Health

The last few days have been rough to say the least. I’m not entirely sure that I’ve used the correct term as it still feels like an understatement.

The pain started on Sunday, I tried to ignore it and push on as normal as I was determined to attend my Godson’s first birthday. I made it to his birthday party but so did the pain. I wanted to leave it at home but unfortunately it follows me everywhere.

If I’m honest pain and I have been getting along recently. Mainly appearing when predicted, not in my face every day, but hovering in the background shouting out every so often when it needs more attention.

At the birthday party I couldn’t get involved in the “sit on the floor” games kids love to play, instead I had to occupy a safe zone on the sofa. The pain slowly took over. My knee started to feel like it was simultaneously on fire and being hit with a hammer and chisel. I put on a brave face as I wanted to enjoy the party. I wanted to ask for help but the words didn’t leave my mouth. As soon as they rose in my throat I swallowed them and chose a deep breath instead.

Pain and I made it through to the end of the party; we sang, cut the cake and even posed for a few photos. But by the end it was clear pain had won our secret competition, it’s victory seen clearly on my face and in my limp. We said our goodbyes as quickly as possible, counting down the minutes until I could get to my painkillers. Ten minutes felt like ten hours as I focused on being able to put pain back in its box. I needed to put it back in its place and so I stood my ground.

Pain is a stubborn one, even with the strongest medication I could throw at it, it wouldn’t just simply disappear. After an hour or two it faded enough that I could fall asleep. Only to realise in the morning we were playing a game of hide and seek. When I woke, pain was right there causing my left knee to swell up like a balloon. Pain had come back with avengence. I could barely move my knee and had to use my walking stick. 

I needed to engage heavier artillery to manage this pain. This time I reluctantly invited morphine to challenge the pain, hoping it would vanquish the pain enough but not dull my thoughts. Which it did, along with sending me into a deep slumber.

When I awoke thankfully, I felt better. Pain subsided and weakened for a while longer in its box. Like any unwanted guest, the impact is always felt, the frustrations, the tiredness but also the knowledge and acceptance it will return again.

Even as I write this now I’m still not feeling 100%, using public transport with the walking stick was a necessary challenge today. But, one I need to face and accept. Pain, I dislike you but I accept you. You will not define me.

Last week I caught up with an old college friend- Amma. She reached out after reading my blog last week. I was knackered and my knees were sore but I wanted to make the effort to meet up and I’m glad I did as it was a pleasant end to the week!

I was late which is totally unlike me (Southern Rail’s fault) but as I walked into the restaurant I could see Amma’s big cheesy grin ready to greet me. It didn’t feel like 8 years had passed since we had last seen each other. She had me in stitches right from the beginning to the end. In typical Amma style she told me she was a bit worried about seeing me after reading my blog. When I asked why, she replied that she thought I would look fragile and be limping. She gestured something close to Quasimodo which made me laugh. I didn’t take offence, I’m sure most people expect to see people with a condition looking ‘ill’ and when they’re better they look ‘healthy’. On this day I suppose I looked well and so it contrasted with what she was expecting. I reminded her to never “judge a book by it’s cover.”

I have an athletic build as I like to workout and I’m told I’m a sharp dresser so I suppose my exterior can confuse people. Colleagues I’ve worked with and even doctors wrongly assume my pain has been caused by an overzealous workout. Seriously the last doctor I saw in A&E advised me to stop squatting in the gym, despite me trying to explain to him the pain was chronic and neuropathic. I know it’s easy to look at a person and quickly try to explain their behaviour or symptoms based on your own experiences. But the danger here is that we are not the same and by jumping to quick assumptions we miss the truth. First hand experience tells me it’s far more effective to ask questions if you want the whole picture.

There are days where I struggle both mentally and physically.  It’s hard to hide the physical struggle as this is what people see straight away. You can see whether I’m walking straight or limping or whether my hand might jerk.The mental struggle is far easier to hide. As soon as I leave the house it’s easy to smile and be strong. But hiding and pretending has never really helped me, it’s highly frustrating and means that those people I want to understand me can’t. I’ve learnt that it’s ok not to be ok and there is nothing wrong with asking for help. I’m definitely blessed with friends and family who are always willing to help and support me.

What does this mean for you? The people that need our help the most probably won’t ask for it. This week pick up the phone to check in on someone you haven’t heard from in a while and ask them how they are doing. Or when you stop to ask someone at work how they are doing, actually take the time and show them that you care about their answer. Ask more questions and make fewer assumptions. Let’s not forget to “never judge a book by its cover.”

Have a great week people!

It’s crazy to think that three weeks of the year have already passed and time as always waits for no-one!

Thank you for all your messages and responses to my last blog. Really great to know people are reading and caring about what I write.

Last weekend was pretty action packed, myself and Emmanuel attended a party to celebrate our client DJ Melody Kane becoming a resident DJ for BBC 1Xtra. Huge congratulations to her, she’s a true grafter and deserves every success!

Saturday was pretty much a wipeout as I was still recovering from my visit to the hospital last week. I told everyone I was tired as it was easier than describing the pain I was feeling. I didn’t want to worry them again.

In the evening, probably foolishly I went to an awards ceremony in central London to celebrate Black British media creators. Maybe I should have cancelled going to this event but I had already paid for my ticket and thought it would be a good opportunity to network. It was a good night and the pain subsided enough for me to enjoy it.

I left by 11pm as I had an early start the next morning. I was excited to be returning to my old school to deliver a talk on resilience to the year 11’s.

When I woke up I felt absolutely fine, the pain had returned to its normal parameters. I was a little nervous about this talk as it involved me opening up to students that I had taught only last year. The talk went really well and the kids seemed to respond to it. At the end I was getting handshakes and congratulations of ‘well done sir’, can you imagine the irony?

Tuesday and Wednesday were difficult. The pain spiked enough that I couldn’t get any comfort. It wasn’t at the level where I would want to go to the hospital but it wasn’t far off. On Tuesday morning I had a Neurology appointment so I had to leave the house. I hate taking morphine when I go out as it muddles speech and thoughts so I decided that endure the pain until I returned home.

My appointment left me feeling low and frustrated. Nothing has changed majorly but my very experienced consultant still can’t figure out what is going on with me. It’s hard to know how to respond or where to go from that. The other consultants at the sleep and pain departments are equally as baffled. Despite their support and advice over the years, I wish I could have some definitive answers.

I took several deep breaths and tried to replace my anger with a sense of calm. I promised myself this year that I would work harder at looking at the positives and being more appreciative of my blessings.

I’m challenging us all this week when faced with our struggles to reflect on what we can be proud of and think about what we greatful as sometimes we can over look the things we have.

Ironically, I wrote about setbacks last week and then had one on Tuesday morning out of the blue. The good thing was that I didn’t have an epileptic attack but instead had a severe wave of pain that attacked my joints. It left me unable to walk or find any comfortable position.

Normally I am able to control the pain and manage it on a daily basis by taking pain relief medication or by resting. But none of the above were working on this day, I had to call an ambulance and was blue lighted to A&E. Pain is a trigger for my seizures and I really did not want to have a seizure. The only way they can try to reduce the pain is by giving me the higher doses of sub-cut or IV morphine that they can’t prescribe for me at home. It’s crazy how long I have to take to explain my history, my symptoms, and that no I don’t have a sports injury to at least two people before they finally agree to prescribe me something. Those moments I hate.

I know last week I talked about resilience and everything I said I wholeheartedly believe in but maybe one of the things I forgot to mention was how hard it is to develop it.  Last Tuesday was a setback and even now I as I write this I am feeling the effects of it as I recover. I’ve generally felt extremely tired and the pain is simmering above it’s ‘normal’ level.

I thought I would walk you through a typical morning for me. My eyes tend to open around 3:30-4:00 am not because I want them to but 1) I have issues sleeping and 2) The pain tends to wake me up. I lie in bed for about an hour trying to muster up the energy and strength to move. My limbs feel so heavy some mornings and are unresponsive to what I would like them to do.  Once I am finally out of bed I then pace around a bit trying to wake my legs up. It feels like I am a 96 Ford Fiesta that has run it’s course and needs to be scrapped.

I then go into the office and layout out my medication for the day. At a first glance you might mistake them for a bag of pick’n’mix due to the number and combination of pills I need to take. I don’t enjoy this part of the day at all, but I’m always hopeful that starting the day by looking after myself will more likely result in a good day.

I crave my cup of coffee, three spoonfuls in my black cup, two sugars and a dash of coconut milk. As I sip away, slowly waking up and feeling more like myself I then start to attack to my to do list. I turn on my laptop and start my day.

Some mornings are harder than others. The pain is always there, every day but the level at which it spikes is unpredictable at times. After a successful run over the last few months where I had been able to manage the pain and get back into a decent gym routine, I felt the wind had been completely knocked out of my sails. Frustrated, angry, sad, tired and then angry again is typically how I feel after an episode. I find it hard to speak to people and prefer to sit with my own thoughts. But I work hard at being positive, snapping myself out of it and work towards getting back up.

We all struggle with something and people often hide theirs. I hope as you read this you find some comfort in that and understanding that strength is born from struggle.

My top tips for getting over a setback:

1. Accept that you can’t control every situation fully, but plan for the events that you can control and break them down into manageable chunks.
2. Be good to yourself, remember that the setback is temporary and does not reflect who you are but simply where you are right now.
3. Communicate how you are feeling to your support network. Tell them how they can support you when they ask.

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