An Open letter to Depression

07 TH June 2018

Thoughts

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Dear Depression,

I have known you for some time now but I don’t remember exactly how or when we were introduced. My dislike for you has grown steadily over the years, I never want to look you directly in the eye. You decided to start visiting me occasionally and then making yourself more comfortable in my house. I do remember how much you made me doubt myself after a severe epileptic attack four years ago that left me with chronic nerve pain, is that when you snuck into my house and hid?

I tried to deal with you by myself for nearly two years or more, reassuring myself that I had ridden you from my house. Unknown to me, you still had a spare key. I changed the locks several times but you insisted on coming and going as you wanted. How did you do that?

The times that you were not in my house were the times I felt like I could breathe, the old Tijjani was back. When you stay away I am my go getting, smiling and positive self. You really do bring out the worst in me. Why can’t you just disappear forever?

Sometimes I think I have it wrong and maybe you just lay in hiding and don’t actually ever leave. Lurking in the shadows and then suddenly appearing much more menacing than before. When I was in great physical pain or had an epileptic attack you made your presence clear. Every room in my house had traces of you, I couldn’t avoid or run from you.
You were my secret, my uninvited and aggressive squatter. You taught me to keep you a secret, whispered how to perfect a fake smile and pretend everything was ok. Why do you like keeping so many secrets?

I pushed away the people I loved by letting you move more of your unwanted items into my house, leaving no space for me. Trapped in my own home. You did your own decoration and painted the walls with hostility. You cut off my electricity so we would always sit in the dark. You did your job and made it hard or impossible for anyone else to visit. Did you care that I didn’t want to be around you?

I don’t want you to enter my house again. The damage that you leave behind is never worth it. I only ever feel a twinge of sorrow thinking about the times you’ve ruined my house and frightened away other guests. It’s worse thinking what would happen if you returned and never left. Why must you be so destructive?

I am fed up of you and your antics so I decided to fortify my fortress, change my windows, change the doors and locks. I had to take that step and let my family in. I couldn’t rid myself of you entirely on my own. I know I have to keep my house active and full of love. A full occupancy so you will know you’re not invited. I’ll keep my house clean, roll up my sleeves and work away the stains you left behind. I’ll lean on my friends and family to keep you away. The more we work together the more you fade away. Will my loved ones know how much I appreciate them?

You are sneaky I know and may someday find another way in, but you have been evicted. Knock on my door and I’ll be ready for you. You will not define me, it’s not in my nature. It is my house, I have paid off the mortgage and your tenancy has been revoked.

Kind Regards,

Lawrence Tijjani AKA Just A Guy.

Comments

12 responses

  1. 07 TH June 2018

    Daniella Field

    Very powerful with the way it was worded
    Opens up a door into how dark it can be and lonely
    And what a brave and determined guy you are and how it has made you stronger in all aspects of your life
    Just so moving

    Reply
  2. 07 TH June 2018

    Kelly

    Wow! What a honest testimony, and so beautiful expressed! The hardest part is not letting anyone know…

    Reply
  3. 07 TH June 2018

    Sherelle

    Your post is very refreshing and I thank you for being honest and sharing this sensitive topic with us. Your strength is admirable. Keep pushing on and remember you are not going through this alone x

    Reply
  4. 07 TH June 2018

    Jo

    What an open and well written blog! I particularly like the house analogy, it very clearly gives an idea of how you have felt and dealt with depression. I’m sure this blog will be a great source of comfort for many people who have or do suffer from the same/similar feelings. Well done Tij. Xx

    Reply
  5. 07 TH June 2018

    Mike

    A profound, moving and honest blog. It’s great you’re winning mate, and man’s paid off that mortgage, still!

    Reply
  6. 08 TH June 2018

    Rebecca

    A very emotive piece of poetry. It takes a lot to share a very honest, heart moving blog. Thank you for sharing it.

    Reply
  7. 08 TH June 2018

    Sherena

    Loved reading this; especially the close. Your perseverance is something to truly be admired x

    Reply
  8. 08 TH June 2018

    Conor Mahon

    Great letter but hard to read. Keep the head up mate!

    Reply
  9. 08 TH June 2018

    Kenton

    Well written, honest and informative. It seems like D tends to visit and linger when you are at your most vulnerable. I therefore suggest you build a team strong enough to subdue and then permanently evict D.
    We are on your team.

    Reply
  10. 09 TH June 2018

    Morayo

    I love your bravery and honesty! You are a fighter, so keep pushing and remember you are not alone in all of this! x

    Reply
  11. 11 TH June 2018

    Sham

    I’m shocked at how honest you have been in this post…Wow! You have talked about depression as if it is a person…a control freak. A touching account of your feelings. As I was reading it I could feel your emotions about this horrible person! Fab blog! X

    Reply
  12. 15 TH June 2018

    Adrian Guerra

    That’s so beautiful. It’s so nice having something to relate to. When I read that I didn’t feel like I was reading a story, I felt like that was me. When I had to suffer and deal with depression. I don’t know if other people felt like I felt when I was reading that but it’s really true and inspiring. Thank you.

    Reply

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